Now, if you're a Shoewawa local, you'll know that I love my Mary Janes almost more than I love my mother; but when I saw this particular styling, I swear that I actually felt nauseous. Made from silver-grey leather - reminiscent of an elephant's derriere - they look like a cross between an '80s court shoe and a hiking boot (which might explain why they've been named 'Alpine'). Completely unsuited to climbing mountains - or, indeed, for taking out of the cupboard reserved solely for Crimes Against Shoemanity - these horrors leave me lost for any additional descriptives! Even uglier in white and black, they're a ridiculous £95 from Kurt Geiger.
Related: "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.” - Oscar Wilde
